Sex, Drugs and Drinking

[Guerrilla Media]

Looking for a place to spill your dirty little secrets? Think of Off the Telegraph as your confessional. We'll absolve you of all your sins. No penance required!

Did you imbibe a little too much last Saturday night and go home with the wrong guy? Go on, tell us about the walk of shame. Recently indulged in some contraband? We want to hear all about the trip.

Go on. It'll be fun. All you have to do to post a comment is hit reply!

[O-Dog]

A good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) told me THE BEST drunk story I’ve ever heard. It happened when she was around 14. She was sleeping over at her best friend’s house one night when the friend’s mom was out on a date. The two of them knew the mom wasn’t going to come back for hours, so they decided it would be fun to explore the liquor cabinet. Keep in mind, neither of them had ever tasted alcohol before.

The first thing they pulled out of the cabinet was Crème de Menthe. They both took a few big swigs and waited. Agreeing that they didn’t feel anything, they moved on to Kalua. It was sweet and a little less nauseating then the Crème de Menthe, so they took a few more swigs. They waited again, but still felt nothing. This was when they decided to start dipping into the Cognac and the vodka and that’s when things started to go a little fuzzy for my friend. The way she tells the story, one minute she was sitting cross-legged across from her friend on the carpet in the living room. The next minute she woke up on her friend’s bed surrounded by policeman.

I shit you not.

At first she was just mystified. What the hell are policeman doing here, she thought? Is someone in trouble? Only when a very young and obviously amused policeman bent over her and suggested she cover herself up did it occur to her that she was the one in trouble. Why? She was buck naked.

The young cop started grilling her: How old was she, he asked? 14. Had she been drinking? Umm, YEAH! Had she taken any other substances? Substances?? No! Turns out the cop was convinced that she was on coke or angel dust or something else that she’d only ever heard about on TV. Nope, she told him, just alcohol. The cop was a little stunned. Rarely had he seen a kid’s first drinking experience go so horribly wrong.

After the cops FINALLY left, my friend’s cohort filled her in on the lost details of the night. It went down something like this: the two of them took their last shot of bourbon or whatever and my friend’s inner exhibitionist surfaced. She tore off all her clothes and started running around the empty house like a streaker unclear on the concept. Thing was her body wasn’t really up for this kind of exertion and once she got done running around, she immediately collapsed on her friend’s bed and fell asleep. She slept peacefully for about a minute and a half . . . then she started puking . . . everywhere: on the bed, in the hallway, in the bathroom, in a houseplant. She was so incoherent that he friend panicked and called her mom. The mom rushed home, but my friend was so passed out by this point, that the mom couldn’t wake her up. She panicked. They called the police. Hence, the rude awakening. The nakedness. The humiliation.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, my friend’s own mother happened to be in AA. When she found out about her daughter’s night of debauchery she was so horrified that she immediately started taking her to AA meetings. Thus my friend became the world’s first 14 year old recovering alcoholic.

[Kara]

There are probably a few 14 year old recovering alchoholics, they start early these days. but that sounds pretty humiliating.

[Jack]

well once I was visiting Venice, and I met a sexy Brit. We started to hook up on a dark dock in the middle of the night. It was pretty great! But a boat's bright light came up to us. We scrambled to put on our clothes as people started stepping off the boat and making fun of us in Italian!